I’ve journaled countless entries of this current season in my life. Now I am beginning to see this is becoming part of my testimony.
When I became a mother my life radically changed. Instantly I received a beautiful but burdensome responsibility. No longer was it just my husband and I. No, now it was the three of us and soon after we became a family of four.
My husband and I are dreamers, we carry such a big vision within us. We have walked alongside each other for 5 years carrying the weight that God has placed on us. It’s beautiful. We see it everyday. But walking in that vision changed drastically when we said, “yes” to building our family.
Right now, we are in the beginning stages of learning what this all looks like. There is so much to learn when family and ministry are knitted so tightly together. Especially when these two things define us, it’s who we are. Every day we choose Jesus. Everyday we choose Kingdom. But everyday choosing looks different.
In the midst of the constant hustle and bustle: work, family, mid-week service, Sunday service, and all the in betweens it is so easy to lose yourself. Literally, lose yourself.
That was me.
I began to spiral downward. I felt like the “me” I was before children no longer could exist. Who the heck am I? Who did I become? Who am I becoming? Am I just the chick that is suppose to bring home the bacon and watch the kids all day while my husband lives out his dream, becoming someone great in the Kingdom of God? I felt used and parts of me grew angry. I constantly told God, “this isn’t fair!”
I decided it was time to take a break. I was falling apart. Part of me no longer wanted ministry. To be completely honest, I no longer wanted to attend church. Much of my attendance was forced and I was growing numb to everything around me…
I needed Jesus and I needed him quick!
I took a planned 3 weeks off work and in this time I made a commitment that I would intentionally seek Jesus. That I would get to know him again, and in that get to know me again. That I would be bold enough to ask him questions and expect answers in return. And lastly, that I would be intentional about the people I spent time with.
It was until I made the effort to get before God that things started to change.
Here are my practical 3:
1. Seek Him:
You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart.
I was determined to seek Jesus. I wanted a new relationship with him, one where he looked at me for all the current titles I held but also knew the me I was before. I wanted him to also shine light on my future, to remind me of who he created me to be –I believe deep down we all know who we are in Christ sometimes we just need to wipe away the fog that distorted our vision. I needed his direction and I wanted to vent. I wanted him to understand all my feelings. I wanted him to know I was struggling.
As I began to seek him, he began to affirm me.
2. Believe Him
I am sure of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
The war begins in your “yes” to Jesus. As soon as I dived into the word disbelief crept in. I began to doubt what was written. I began to doubt all the good things God was saying about me. I fought with doubt and won. I know Gods realness and I trust him. I trust and believe in his word. Without trust being activated I would still be in a rut. Believe in what he says about you. It is written, “that he who started a good work in you will complete it…”
You will walk in purpose.
3. Get around BIG dreamers
Holy Cow this is SUPER important! Life in itself can be so weightly and only focusing on “reality” all the time sucks. Get around people that are unapologetically confident! Toward the end of my second week off work, I spent time with a new friend of mine, Kathryn(@kathryntaylor). I intentionally asked her to hang because she made me so insecure and I wanted to glean from her. She’s an amazing artist! I literally spent a few hours with her and in that moment I knew it was a God ordained friendship. She inspired me. Her willingness to see something great in me other than the normal “your such a great mom” or “your such a great wife” brought breath back into my soul. Your probably thinking I am over exaggerating, trust me, I am not. This moment with her defined a crazy break though over my life. I no longer was holding just the labels of “wife and mother” but also a creative and all the more that is to come.
Like I stated earlier, we are just in the beginning of experiencing what life looks like with ministry and family. Much of the feelings I felt steamed from lack of knowledge in my identity during this season and also lack of security in my relationship with God. Once I received revelation in regards to my current role and what God is asking of me in this season, I was able to tap into what God is birthing out in my husband. It’s honestly amazing. My husband is totally not who he was 5 years ago and growing from even the man he was a year ago. It’s beautiful and I am so excited to see him flourish in his calling. Transition is hard but if you know your identity and have a secure relationship while in transition it makes life just a bit simpler.
If you are feeling a bit overwhelmed with life and you can’t find yourself anymore. I encourage you to try my practical 3 ways of getting back on track. Feel free to write a comment below and let me know how it has worked for you.